Another August
spiral time, july zine, solitude
Hi friends,
Oof.
It's been a long couple of weeks and I have...hit a wall. My energy levels are way down and this past weekend was wretched, emotionally and physically. I did what I do every time this happens: I cleared my schedule, and I admitted defeat. I know that probably sounds awful, but once I can release the shame I feel when I cancel plans, the relief that floods in is heavenly. I'm still learning how to move through this world with a chronic illness; as I write this, I realize that I've been sick for half of my life. It's true that my symptoms have changed and worsened in some ways in recent years, but in other ways they have also gotten better. My diagnosis in 2020/21, along with taking meds, has helped to a certain extent for me to make peace with my condition. I still have days where I curse the gods, but naming the thing has helped tremendously. (For my curious readers, I have gastroparesis, which is caused by damage to the vagus nerve. For me the damage was likely inflicted during a surgery I had as a teen to manage a disease called achalasia. If you're a fellow gastro gal, don't hesitate to reach out!)
July was a rough one. My mom has been in the hospital for two weeks due to emergency surgery. She's still there, awaiting more test results which will help give her doctor's a game plan. Please send her love and prayers and good vibes; she/we really need them right now.
My wedding anniversary came and went at the end of the month (where are my fellow divorees at?) and I've been thinking a lot about the concept "crisis of deconstruction", put forth by Jessica Fern in her book Polysecure. (I read the book last year and I cannot recommend it enough for anyone who wants to learn more about attachment theory, no matter your relationship style. It is very tender!) The basic concept is that some catalyst essentially breaks you down into a million pieces, and when you finally put yourself back together again, it is impossible to live the life you lived before. Dramatic? Yes, but also so very true, and thank goodness for that. Growth and change are the only things we can count on in this life, and though it can be terribly painful to pass through such a portal, I am always happy with the me that's on the other side. A little tougher and a little more tender.
I would like to present my new zine, pictured below. It’s a journal excerpt from August 2020, written during a time of loss and confusion. I was spending a lot of time alone in the woods while my marriage unraveled; it felt impossible to be happy most days. The journal entry is from a day that began in frustration and ended in a joy that was rare to me at the time: the romance of solitude. Find ordering details at the bottom of this missive.
Almost a year ago to the day, I wrote a journal entry/poem that became my March zine mailing. I had just started house/cat sitting in a beautiful house for a month. I had been shaving my head since May and I felt more like myself than ever. Raw, beautiful, happy. I was excited to be spending a month in voluntary solitude after several seasons within family units. I lived with a beautiful, ornery cat who woke me up many times each morning to be fed and played with. I rarely saw anyone - I saw my boyfriend once a week, and that was about it. It was a flux season: a place of beginnings and endings. I left the housesit early because my mom was in the hospital with cancer, though we didn't know it at the time. I was entering the unknown, but the time alone had fortified me; I felt stronger in a way that I can only describe as "being my own daddy" to paraphrase the artist Rachel Blodget of Serpent and Bow.
As we enter another August, I find myself longing for connection. Time is a spiral, isn't it? Each month, each season, I revisit the person I was at the same time in years past. I see patterns echoing over the years, I see growth - subtle and not so subtle changes. After nearly a year of living on my own, I'm excited at the prospect of cohabitating again - no details are settled yet, but I like the idea of relearning how to live with someone I'm not related to or dating.
Thank you as always for reading these missives. It always feels so special to share my words with you. Below you will find news and links and scenes from the last little while:
To order a zine, send a sliding scale payment of $5-15 to me by venmo (@maya- critchfield) or paypal (mcritchfield@coa.edu) along with your mailing address.
Below are some places you can catch me in person this month!
First Friday Art Walk! (that’s tomorrow!) No set time but I'll be there :)
Queering the Spotlight: Queer Fashion Show & Art Market THIS Saturday from 3-9pm, event details here. I will have a table with my goods and a rack of clothes, vintage and altered!
I'm teaching a darning class at PortFiber 8/20 from 1-3pm
Take care and take heart xo.
m
Love your drawings.
Your words are always so wrenching and so beautiful Maya, thank you <3